This bit of writing was actually done on February 6, 2008. While it is much of the same old and is a bit outdated since much of the discussed content stayed in February, it still has some worth and therefore will break the bubble of the first post for the new blog. I did edit a little (mostly just deleting) because it was heavy in pride and self-worth rather than worth derived from what God did. Praise Him that He is constantly at work!
And now a look back into Wednesday, February 6, 2008:
For some reason today, I realized that it feels like longer than a year since I’ve been single when, in actuality, it isn’t even quite a year yet. I find the transitions that occur after a relationship ends really interesting. I went from feeling glad about what was going on because I didn’t really see it as an end so much as turning a new leaf. It was the first step of doing what I new was right (glorifying God with my life: mind, body, spirit) rather than what was easy (instant gratification from a man). It wasn’t easy to walk away from my relationship with Chris without having a really concrete reason for doing so. But there was just something in me, and in him, that gave us the affirmation that we needed to split paths. Then from this gladness for making a change came the sadness of realizing what was being left behind. That was the predominant attitude for the few months following our break up. I missed feeling the acceptance and security that came with the relationship. I missed knowing that I had insight into his life and getting to share my life with this person that I absolutely adored. But then I realized that there was a lot that I didn’t miss. Suddenly I could tell how dependent I had been on him. That really wasn’t fair for him because he had to carry me along behind him and I was trying to make him fulfill a need that only the Lord could. But I really think that in such a situation it’s even less fair for the person being carried along. You’re made to feel like you are inadequate, weak, and useless. I think the best thing that could have happened to me is to be thrown off, left to walk on my own. And really, that’s what breaking up did for me. It gave me that experience. Suddenly I didn’t have a crutch and the sad state was followed by the growth state: remembering the resilience I once had, the heart that I never quite lost but was more so suppressed. I remembered that I am boisterous and decided that it’s okay. I had a restoration of my happiness as it was before I had deemed myself unworthy of it.
Something that I’m noticing just about everywhere in our society is how we our so consumed with instant gratification. It’s somewhat disheartening. The first method that is generally used for treatment of mental dysfunction is medication. What the crap good is that??? Medication should be a last resort because first off: no drug is without secondary effects and second: in most cases of mental disorders, other forms of treatment are more beneficial to a client.
I don’t really know how to say what I’m trying to say at this point so I’m just sort of going to go with a stream of thoughts until I get somewhere and if it’s comprehensive, I’ll delete this disclaimer, if not, it will stay.
I guess the main point is that I’m really glad to be where I am right now. I actually have respect for myself, I am starting to realize that I am capable of contributing to the world, and I don’t define myself by how others treat me or what their opinions are of me. I feel like I’m becoming a fully functional Melinda. Well, that’s probably a vast overstatement. I’m probably just starting to tap what my functional level is. I’m still an awful procrastinator, I still do things to put myself at a disadvantage, I still put off things that I know are good for me, and I’m still not willing to completely step out of my comfort zone and take on responsibilities whole-heartedly. But I’ve taken steps. And that’s what it’s really all about. I remember reading that somewhere. I think it was from Don Miller’s Blue Like Jazz. But since I’m not sure and I don’t know the direct citation from it, I’m going to claim it as an original idea. Because if you really think about it, the likelihood that any thought that we have or any feeling we have is truly unique to us is really impossible. Think of all the classic literature… read some Austen or Dumas or Dostoevsky or whoever and imagine even just those who are on this earth currently. Can a feeling that any one person has really be unique to that person? I’m not talking about some deeper philosophical point about how we each experience life because I do think that to each person the same feeling can have a different effect. For instance, I don’t believe any one person loves exactly the same as any one else. That’s just how it is. It’s inevitable because no two people are exactly alike. And oh my gosh that was such a ridiculous tangent, it’s not even funny. It sort of reminds me of reading classic lit… lots of tangents about abstract issues to provoke some complementary thought processes. I don’t even remember what elicited all of this stuff. …Scrolling… Ah, yes. I was about to make an unoriginal original statement. And so here it is: the final destination or goal is generally not a valid measure of the efforts a person has put forth.
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